On August 18th, 2011, it will be one year that I’ve lived here in Los Angeles. However, today (July 13th) marks the one year anniversary of what would ultimately become the turning point in my decision to come to Tinseltown and allow my life to be totally transformed from “dream” to reality. From my humble hometown of Union City, California, to the bright lights of Hollywood, with faith and prayer to carry me, it all started with a dream. Here is my story:
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In November of 2007, I had come to an understanding of God that changed my life and made me NOT want to be the “American Idol” anymore. In fact, it made me disgusted that I even joined the 2006 show and competed and tried for the reasons that I did. You see, I had always performed as a kid and I knew that I was very talented, but at the time of trying out for the show, I was battling a lot of inner turmoil. Indirectly, I was trying to be my own God and Idol, I just wasn’t aware of it.
I was trying to be the “American Idol” because I was looking for validation and acceptance. I was abused as a child and mocked and emotionally mistreated by school classmates and even members of my own family. I was determined that I was going to be a superstar and that the whole world would fall in love with me and would ‘kiss my butt’, bowing down, feeling awful and guilty for the way I was treated! I was an outstanding performer, a decent singer, a talented dancer, and just a genuinely kind and sweet person! “Where do these people who are supposed to love and support me get off treating me this way just because I’m a little different!? There’s no support, just ridicule. I am going to show them! I have talent and I’m going to get noticed for it and they’re gonna pay! Just you wait and see!” Obviously, I made the common mistake of believing that fame would solve all my deeply rooted family and self awareness issues.
I tried out for American Idol during Seasons 2 and 3 and was cut as soon as I opened my mouth to sing. “You’re not what we’re looking for” was what was told to me from the other side of the judging table. I was devastated. I had spent 3 days in the blazing sun and 3 nights on frozen streets for this? I went home and practiced a lot and during Season 4, I decided to try out again. This time I made it past the first round but then was cut at the second round when auditioning for the show’s Executive Producers. I went home determined, not discouraged. My mentality was, “Hey, I passed the first round, who says I can’t go further next time, right?” I worked hard and prayed even harder. “You saw what happened to me as a kid, God! I need you to make things right! Give me this! I’m doing my part!” I would say!
I got myself a vocal training program, a superstar vocal coach, went to karaoke every night to practice (even winning a few contests), and paid for a few voice lessons and took them! There was literally nothing I wanted more than this.
You better believe that when Season 5 of American Idol came calling, I showed up again to sing, but this time armed with an impossible will, newly polished skill, and razor sharp determination! I would not be taking “no” for an answer today! When it came time to sing, I opened my mouth and showcased a brand new Gilbert! I belted my heart out and the judges were pleased as punch! I was handed my “golden ticket” and ran flying through the doors!
During the next few weeks, in a whirlwind of auditions, multiple rounds, and more golden tickets, I sang, sang, sang my way to freedom hailing through every round to the California Top 35 out of over 10,000 other singers! I never heard, “You’re goin to the next round” so many times in my life!! I couldn’t believe it! I was playing Russian Roulette with my dream, and I was winning every single time!! I felt unstoppable! I was even getting the diva treatment inbetween, enjoying “on-set” catering, hanging out with Ryan Seacrest and my then friend Katharine McPhee, getting my airline flight and shuttle paid for by American Idol, getting hugged by Paula Abdul, and even had some friendly banter with Simon Cowel! Back at home things were cool too! I was given the most amazing “intros” at every Karaoke Club I went to and sang at!
Almost overnight, I went from “delusional dreamer” to being the world’s next possible superstar! Finally, everyone wanted to talk to me! Everyone wanted to hear my voice! I was making the front page of the newspaper, I was being interviewed by all the local morning radio talk shows, being asked to sing everywhere I went, received hundreds of friend requests on MySpace daily and was asked to go out and promote parties at clubs with radio stations! I felt like a star and I was “on my way”! I was finally going to be a bonafide celebrity. “I deserve this! This is my time!” I would say to myself! It didn’t even faze me when I would show up to family events and certain family members would avoid conversation with me. I knew that they knew that I knew what they were thinking. Even when I made the first attempt at conversation, they were very uneasy and changed the subject quickly and would leave as fast as they could when a different family member would come up to congratulate me.
Shortly after my run on American Idol, I took a job at a radio station with the afternoon DJ. He had heard me being interviewed about the reality show in the mornings on the same station and decided he had wanted to work with me. I accepted and we became very close friends. We hung out a lot, too.
During my run as an Afternoon DJ On-Air “sidekick”, I noticed I had some trouble following up with some of the “contacts” that wanted to work with me musically. I was given business cards, email addresses and phone numbers by several different people in the music industry on serveral different occasions who were all very excited to collaborate with me. Almost all at once, none of them were to be found or heard from again. Emails would “bounce back”, numbers were “no longer working”, and voice mails were just never returned. It was VERY strange and was my first inkling of something supernatural going on around me. Was this God or the devil not allowing me to follow up on this amazing opportunity given by Idol? I was devastated! Not only did a lot of the “kill-joys” in my family never show excitement for me (even though American Idol was their favorite show), but now every door that had opened for me from American Idol had suddenly slammed shut in my face. I was furious! A few weeks later, I was even betrayed by the On-Air DJ I worked for who I once believed was my only real friend at the radio station. I was heartbroken and felt like giving up completely. I cried out, “God, why would You lead me out this far just to leave me in the drylands?”
Over the next year, I became very serious about wanting to know the Truth. I had always believed in God but had some real questions and wanted some real answers that I knew only He could give me. I began reading the Bible (online) and suddenly everything started to become so clear about my situation, my family, my friends, and the world in which I lived.
From my own experience chasing glory on American Idol as well as the way it is put in the Bible, I had come to learn what is true about every human being on this planet, and it is this: until we whole heartedly submit to Jesus Christ, and “let in” the power of what He did on that cross, we ALL are on this Earth biding our time, worshiping ourselves, THERE ARE NO EXCEPTIONS. THERE IS NO GRAY AREA. Until we realize who we are without God, we will never allow ourselves to grasp His reality and worthiness, let alone understand who we are and can be with Him, in Him.
What would have happened if I went the distance on the show? I did not realize it wouldn’t have only NOT changed the hearts and minds of those who ridiculed me but that fame itself would have become an ego feeding monster amplifying my own self centeredness that would have ultimately just lead to my complete destruction. I came to the acceptance some time later after American Idol and the gig at the radio station that going further on either show or moving forward with my “contacts” was just not meant to be for me. I told Jesus upon realizing this, “I get it now. It’s all about You, not me, not us! I’m sorry! Please forgive me! I hereby give You my ‘need’ for fame and glory which has really been a curse and burden on me and my life! It’s caused a chip on my shoulder against the rest of the world. What would I even do with worship if I did get it? Nothing! Man was not made for worship! I really don’t want it for myself anymore. I want to live to give it TO You, Jesus, to You and You alone!”
Until that moment, my deepest desire was stardom, global attention, and that every eye be on me but never once did I stop and think, “Wait. Hold up! Why?! Why do I want all this? Would that REALLY make me happy? Would that make things right magically in my family? Would it get people to stop saying mean things about and to me? No. It wouldn’t” The thing that hopefully most of you will realize is that people who are never satisfied… are NEVER satisfied. I could have become the biggest star in the fricken world and myself and all those who try to discourage me would still squirm and fight for a reason to disapprove and be unsatisfied. You can’t please everyone and you will find freedom in the understanding that you won’t.
It’s interesting that nearly all of the dreams and things about you others criticize the most are the very dreams and things they wish they could be accomplishing, having, and doing for themselves. I have come to learn that the ironic thing about most people fighting hard to be noticed and admired is that they rarely ever genuinely like themselves. Even though this explained the jealousies classmates and family members had about me, I still, until this point, hadn’t let this truth in about myself and my character. I had a deep issue and in many respects, I wasn’t just the victim, I was the perpetrator.
Psalm 37:4 says “Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.” But wait, God! I gave You those desires back? Is it possible that You STILL want me to perform after all? After all, I could still perform and singing Gospel music made me an even BETTER singer since Idol. Could it be that God just wanted to develop character in me and fix my motive? He answered, “Yes! Exactly” and He did it in the coolest way…
